Monday, March 03, 2008

still trying

I just wrote my mom a long email...and it brought out some more things that might be therapeutic to share. We're both still having a very hard time with this. I'm pretty sure we've gone through all the stages of grieving...there was denial, anger, guilt, a lot of crying. It's affecting me much more than I ever thought it would. And the one feeling that I'm stuck on is guilt.

Let me tell you something about Madison. She was a stubborn, hairy little dog. She had always been very protective of her toys or whatever she had stolen of ours and taken under the coffee table or bed. No matter what we did over the years, that was just her. This was always a concern of mine though because I knew at some point, we might have kids in the house. Over the last year, I have been increasingly concerned about the girls accidentally getting in Madison's territory and her doing something unthinkable. It was this fear that drove me to push to get rid of Madison.

Lisa and I have spent many nights trying to figure out the dilemma. How do you get rid of a dog that is in her twilight years and may not be too family friendly? She's been an inside dog her whole life so we just can't give her away and hope for the best. The only solution seemed to ask Lisa's Mom to take her back to Ohio.

So as the girls have been getting more and more mobile lately, the talk was getting serious. I tried to be the voice of reason and ignore the fact that she's been such a integral part of our lives for 11 years...I thought I was doing us all a favor by sending her to Ohio.

God had other plans. This whole time, a mass was growing on her spleen. Madison hasn't been hiding under the bed so much lately because she was neglected or unhappy, it was because she wasn't feeling right. She had moments where she was leap out of the bedroom and run out here and play with all of us. The girls would laugh as she would run back and forth but it never lasted long....she would hide back under the coffee table or go back under the bed. I read that as her being unhappy and neglected....I was so wrong.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt because I was trying to distance myself from her and make a cold, harsh decision that I thought was best for the family. Sure we would be sad when she left but it was the right thing to do, I thought. I pushed her away and complained about her those last several months when I should have been spoiling her.

If anything, this has taught be a lesson about the Grand Plan for my life. I need to give in a little and not be the one in control, if you know what I mean.

Here are some pictures that I didn't even know existed. I remember this moment when Madison came out and laid down next to me and Katy. Katy immediately starting learning over and petting her and Madison soaked it up. After she died, I was looking through all of our pictures and videos and couldn't find mom reminded me that she took the pictures on her camera so thank goodness, we have these to remember Katy and Madison together.

So I'm sorry if I'm being over-dramatic here. I kinda worry about that then I think, it's MY journal. I can't apologize for how I'm feeling. We are trying to move on. We donated the rest of her food, treats, and some of her toys to charity today and I finally took down her crate and put it in the garage...all VERY difficult tasks. I have a few more pictures that I wanted to share so bear with me a few more days, then we'll get back to the babies.

Again, thanks for every one's support. It is comforting to know people are thinking about us.

1 comment:

Louise said...

Andy, I'm really sorry about Madison. I don't think you're being over-dramatic. It's always hard to lose someone you love, whether they are of the two-legged or four-legged variety. And I think it's especially hard when it comes so unexpectedly.

I hope you and Lisa will take the time to heal from the loss of your beloved pet.